The party was a blast!! At first I was bummed cause no one showed up on time. All the chicks hated me because of my big boobs. I think they were jealous that their men were looking at them. More later!!

Crazy

So the last couple of nights have been crazy with shopping. I think the only thing left to buy is dog tags and fake fingernails. If you dont know who I am dressing up like I am trying to find a pic and you will see. Dang I got a wig and I thought I was able to curl the hair but no go. I am going to go crazy about this stuff! Sarah called me last night and told me that I will be missing some stuff on my order. I am thinking thank god I spent to much money on that gag gift shit anyway. I have to work at 2 pm today and I am not looking forward to it.
Okay there you go!!

I gotta go get ready so I will update a little later!

be back later

Work has been hell this week but today went good. We are so short all the time that its killing me. I came home yesterday after work and just layed there in bed. I am feeling over worked!! i got my flu shot today which hurted like a bitch. Not the actually injecting it. My muscle is sore after it is in for about an hour.

I am busy with getting this party thought about. My man and I are going as "dog" and beth from the show on A & E which should be fun. I need to lay down my neck is killing me!!

This song hits home!!

Catch Me When I Fall - Ashlee Simpson
Is anybody out there
Does anybody see
That when the lights are off
something's killing me
I know it seems like people care
Cause they're always around me
But when the day is done and everybody runs
Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who's there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who's gonna catch me when I fall
When the show is over
And it's empty everywhere
It's hard to face going back alone
So I walk around the city
Anything, anything to clear my head
I've got nowhere to go nowhere but home
Who will be the one who's there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who's gonna catch me when I fall
It may seem I have everything
But everything means nothing
When the ride that you've been on
That you're coming off
Leaves you feeling lost
Is anybody out there
Does anybody see
That sometimes loneliness is just a part of me

Here is another one.......

Behind These Hazel Eyes"

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Its looking up!

So I was at work yesterday and having a good day. Red wanted to get something out of the dumbwaiter and asked if we could still use it. There is a whole world of construction where this dummy sits. So I said yes and please bring back all the cute construction workers back with her. My boss said wait I thought you were taken. I looked at her and said yeah I have a boyfriend but I guess I am not good enough to marry. She just looked at me like did you just say that? Well then I had to go into a little bit of detail about it. She gave me a huge hug and said you know he doesnt know what he would be missing. True I know. All the girls love me or atleast I think so anyway. A couple of them have sons my age and have said something about if I was single that they would hook up my son with you. Okay I would take one of the girls son! Last night when I got home the man and I were talking about something and I said to him yeah everyone at work loves me alot more then the people in this house. He just looked at me confused.

I have been trying to lose weight for about a month now. I have lost a couple of pounds. The softball incident made me stop excericing for awhile but I am back full force. I am going to lose the weight this time. I got alot of goals I want to do and this is #2 right now. I am going I need to do some order for the halloween party. Tell you about that one later.

Still unsure

Sunday was the breaking moment. He came home and just went to bed. I couldn't believe it! Doesn't he understand that I am fucked up inside? I guess not. I had enough and I was going to get it all out! Oh boy did I!! I also realized a lot about him in the time. I went off! Damn it I threw my phone and broke it also. Now I don't have a cell phone till next week. So I got a lot off my mind. He told me that he sees me in his future but doesn't know if we will get married. He thinks its all just paper and doesn't understand it. I asked him what happened in the beginning and him showing his feelings. He told me that I ruined that by what I use to do. Bullshit!! Forgive and forget buddy. I have changed so much. I brought up a lot of his past and said buddy this is a lot shady compared to mine but I do not look at that. So after about half an hour it soaked in and he said thank you for getting it threw my thick skull. He hates himself and in return he doesn't think anyone should love him in return. His parents didn't show the kids a loving relationship and he has problems with that. He believes that if you get married then boom its over. Okay I see the problem but don't know how to fix it and for once I am not going to. Its time to fix myself. I am going back to school and want to this time to get a better income for me and my kids. I told him that the future is not guaranteed and I need that money so me and the kids have a future. He looked a little confused that I wasn't planning him in the future. I just said who knows where we will be. This will teach him that if he wants me in his future he has to work a little harder. So we are getting along. Actually he is being great extra special to me by just the things he is doing.

My future? I am not for sure. I see it being with my man. I think if he is sure that I am here forever he will just push me around. I don't think about marriage right now. If someone comes in my life then I will look around. I stopped looking at guys because I love him so much. He is a good guy but not as good as I once thought. So I guess in five years when he is sitting here wondering where I am it will be his lost not mine. I am hoping that we will be together for the rest of our lives but until he is for sure I am not going to give him security.

Dang I feel better now!! (nice saying from a cool chick)

So home life sucks and now today at work sucked also. I blame most of it on myself because I need to open my mouth up and say do your work. I am tired of working so hard when others dont. Oh well I guess!

My man got home at 10:30pm last night and I was already in bed. Okay all I want him to do is feel miserable and I am the one doing that. So he comes over to me and cuddles up to me. Okay that is fine but I just want him to say I love you and I am sorry again that i fucked up. The chicks up at work say I am too nice. Yes but if I yell at him then he thinks its my issue and passes it off with me just being a bitch.

He called me at work and told me that he is going out to his parents house and if he wanted to know if i wanted him to wait. Now I look at it I should of said yes. We could of spent time together. But then again I want him to live a little time with out me and see what he has done. Well with all this stress I started a new diet its called not eating. I havent been hungry. I at and I am serious... One meal yesterday. Maybe I should be depressed a little more often i could lose some weight. Damn it I dont want to give in this time. I want to be strong and I want him to come running to me and kiss my feet(just an expression). I know this will never happen but I can dream cant I?

My mom called me yesterday and told me that she devil is still here. I said "No shit mom?" "She lives here with her, Here's your sign!" Its been 4 months and still here that is a strong sign that she moved in. I think my doesnt want to open up her eyes. Oh well!

I am going to take a nap!!

Men suck!

Just when you thought this month couldn't get any worse YES IT DID!! Some days I cant understand how I am still around. It brings me back to a lot of thoughts in my head. I am a mental mess! I will go into details later. I will give you a clue...
Men are clueless heartless and selfish bastards!!!! Fuck you my boyfriend!!! I am highly and beyond pissed at him and I will tell you later why.

So its later. My man lied to me last night. Then after lying to be he decided to do what he wanted. He hurted me big time last night and was very disrespectful. He hurt my feelings and kept on stepping on them all night. This morning because of me going to bed at 4am I woke up totally late for work. I spent most of the day crying. Why doesn't he just understand? I keep asking that over and over again. When I got home he was gone. I went to take a nap and on the pillow was a single rose. Now if you know my man you know that this was a huge step for him. He is no where forgiven but he is one toe out of the dog house. Its funny cause I sit back and think a lot. I ask a lot when I will get my ring. We will be together for 5 years in Nov and still nothing. I think he thinks as soon as I get that ring then boom you have to get married. No that's not it at all. I just want a commitment from him to say hey you are wonderful enough to marry in the future. You see the way I see things is one of these days someone is just going to come and see that I don't have a ring and get to know me. After waiting so many years I might not see what my man wants and find someone else. I think he is to comfortable here he is at. I give him a 110% to him and I get 50% back. I am 30 and I think with the shit ass life behind me its time that I get treat real! Take me or leave me lets not play stupid games. Well I am heading because I need more sleep. I am totally drained!

This is for my best friend Red!!!

Shoot me please...

Some one please take me out in the back yard and shoot me. I am in pain! I went to work last night and thought okay all this exercise will help me. Yeah right!! I just called into work just a little bit ago. Every step I take I feel like crying. What a damn baby I am!! Okay I need to go!

I hurt!! Son of a bitch!!

Oh man softball kicked my ass. I haven't played the damn sport for 14 years. My friend called me up and said she need a girl for their last game. I thought this would be cool. So I get there and I am scared ass hell cause all I can see is this huge guy hitting the ball and smacking me right in the face. Oh man that is the last of my worries right now. So I get up there to bat and boom I hit it deep in the outfield. Damn I still got it I thought. I got a triple and feeling damn good about myself. By the time I ran home I was starting to feel my legs shaking. Yep I am totally out of shape. I don't work out or nothing. So by the time the game ended I felt like I was going to fall down. I made some damn good plays. I would love to do this again but first the pain in my thighs have to go away. I can barely walk, get up or move. I am heading to work soon and everyone is going to have to pick up my slack for once. Okay peace out I need to get ready!! I am going to kill that kimmy for calling me and asking!!!

My lucky month my ass!!

So in my horoscope it says that this is my lucky month. I highly disagree with that woman. So far this month has gone to shit! I am sitting home and getting the kids to bed and there is a knock at my door. I opened it and in the back of my mind I am thinking it was the award people with my 10 million dollars but hell no! It was a cop with my oldest son! Not good. So yes the boy got in trouble. He had bought spray paint to paint his bike. He went to a friends house and Now I know that this friend is a trouble maker. So next thing is that they spray painted the ground. His friend spray painted the car. When the cop came all of his little friends all lied but my son told the truth. SO here goes all the shit that goes along with that. Court and this and that.

Another topper of the sucky month as to deal with my job. I walked in today just to have a good day and boy was I wrong. I guess I work in a prison now. They took away our lunch breaks. So now we only get 2 fifteen breaks. We cant take them when we want them. We are told when to go and we have to check in and out. Hello last time I checked I was an adult. So here is the deal.... They tried to change our shift time. I only work an 8 hour day because our lunches are not guarantee. If the patients are crazy or something goes wrong then we have to stay on the floor. SO when they tried to change to where we don't get paid for our lunch breaks everyone went stir crazy. Union jumped in and well we are not started this whole shit for a couple of months but until then we are going to make them pay.

So all in all screw this month!!!!!!!!

Day off

Woke up this morning and took the kids to school. Then I went to a meeting at work that didnt even happen. So now I am home and I am watching the first season of Monk. I have heard that its really funny so I decided to rent it. Its okay!

Took my son to the new doctor and it went really well. He took him of all his meds except his adderal. The first day went good. Today is day number 2. I hope its going to be smooth sailing from here but I doubt it highly.

I called the stupid child support office to "check" on my cases and they told me that they got a hit on my ex husband. But it was about a month ago so you would think they would have more information. Yeah right!!

Work is going good. Everyone is getting along which is kindof weird. Its been really quiet which is really nice also. So this is one of my boring entries. I need to go and take a nap.

Sunday blows...

I am emotionally and it sucks I am guess that Pms is sure to come. I worked all weekend which was totally boring. More later...