Still unsure

Sunday was the breaking moment. He came home and just went to bed. I couldn't believe it! Doesn't he understand that I am fucked up inside? I guess not. I had enough and I was going to get it all out! Oh boy did I!! I also realized a lot about him in the time. I went off! Damn it I threw my phone and broke it also. Now I don't have a cell phone till next week. So I got a lot off my mind. He told me that he sees me in his future but doesn't know if we will get married. He thinks its all just paper and doesn't understand it. I asked him what happened in the beginning and him showing his feelings. He told me that I ruined that by what I use to do. Bullshit!! Forgive and forget buddy. I have changed so much. I brought up a lot of his past and said buddy this is a lot shady compared to mine but I do not look at that. So after about half an hour it soaked in and he said thank you for getting it threw my thick skull. He hates himself and in return he doesn't think anyone should love him in return. His parents didn't show the kids a loving relationship and he has problems with that. He believes that if you get married then boom its over. Okay I see the problem but don't know how to fix it and for once I am not going to. Its time to fix myself. I am going back to school and want to this time to get a better income for me and my kids. I told him that the future is not guaranteed and I need that money so me and the kids have a future. He looked a little confused that I wasn't planning him in the future. I just said who knows where we will be. This will teach him that if he wants me in his future he has to work a little harder. So we are getting along. Actually he is being great extra special to me by just the things he is doing.

My future? I am not for sure. I see it being with my man. I think if he is sure that I am here forever he will just push me around. I don't think about marriage right now. If someone comes in my life then I will look around. I stopped looking at guys because I love him so much. He is a good guy but not as good as I once thought. So I guess in five years when he is sitting here wondering where I am it will be his lost not mine. I am hoping that we will be together for the rest of our lives but until he is for sure I am not going to give him security.

Dang I feel better now!! (nice saying from a cool chick)